Choices vs Control: Parenting with Confidence

As a parent, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the parenting advice available on social media. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the right way to raise your child, and sometimes it feels like you’re stuck in an endless loop of conflicting messages. One of the most common themes that pops up is the idea of giving children more and more control in every aspect of their lives. On the surface, it sounds like a great idea—after all, who wouldn’t want to raise an independent, confident child? But in practice, giving children too much control—especially when they’re emotionally dysregulated—can backfire in ways you might not expect.

The Appeal of Giving Choices

Let’s start with a truth: giving kids choices is VERY important. It helps them feel a sense of agency, teaches decision-making, and encourages cooperation. For many parents, offering “two great choices” can be a simple but effective way to avoid power struggles. Instead of “Do this now!” or “You have to do that,” you’re giving them the freedom to choose between options that you’ve already deemed appropriate. It can feel like a win-win for everyone.

However, the effectiveness of this strategy depends on the child’s emotional state. While it works wonders when a child is calm, cooperative, and reasonably regulated, giving choices when a child is in a state of emotional chaos can overwhelm them further.

When Choices Are Too Much

Here’s the truth: Parents are supposed to be in control. You are the anchor in your child’s life, and it’s your job to make decisions that keep them safe, healthy, and emotionally regulated. When parents relinquish too much control, it can create an environment where the child feels responsible for making every decision, which can become an overwhelming emotional burden.

Imagine this: Your child is having a meltdown. They're inconsolable, and nothing seems to calm them down. They’re arguing over something small—whether it’s what shirt to wear, what book to read, or how to arrange their blanket. You offer them choices, thinking it will give them a sense of control over the situation, but instead, they spiral further. Suddenly, they can’t even make a simple decision without becoming more upset.

This is a scenario many parents have experienced. When a child is emotionally flooded, their brain isn’t functioning in a way that allows for clear thinking or rational decision-making. Offering choices in these moments can feel like throwing them into a sea of confusion, deepening their frustration. Their ability to process the options and choose calmly disappears, and instead of restoring balance, you’re adding fuel to the fire.

In these moments, what your child needs is not more control—it’s boundaries. Boundaries are what bring calm, structure, and security. By offering a firm yet loving boundary, you're guiding them back to a place where they can calm down, reset, and start to feel more in control of themselves, not of the situation.

I know what you're thinking: "Won’t this just make my child angry? Won’t they think I’m being mean?" The answer is: yes, they might. But it’s important to remember that sometimes, setting a boundary is the most loving thing you can do for your child.

The Emotional Burden of Too Many Decisions

When children are constantly presented with choices, it’s not just overwhelming; it can actually be an emotional burden. Decision-making takes energy. It requires focus, problem-solving, and processing potential outcomes. Children, especially young ones, don’t have the developmental maturity to navigate a constant barrage of choices. As a result, what seems like a simple decision—a shirt to wear, or what snack to eat—can become a source of stress and frustration.

Take, for example, the daily struggle of picking out clothes. When you give a child too many choices, they can become paralyzed by the options, unsure of what to pick, and end up feeling stressed and upset. A simple task like getting dressed can turn into a battle, with both parent and child feeling drained by the end. In these moments, the child doesn’t need more choices; they need direction. A gentle but firm decision from the parent helps them feel secure and removes the burden of responsibility.

Trusting Your Authority

Trusting your authority as a parent is crucial. It doesn’t mean being authoritarian or dismissive of your child’s feelings. It simply means recognizing that you are the one who is best equipped to make decisions in their best interest. It’s about providing structure and guidance in a way that doesn’t leave them feeling lost or overwhelmed.

When you confidently make decisions—like deciding what they’ll wear, what’s for dinner, or what the day’s schedule will look like—it takes the weight off their shoulders. It’s like saying, “I’ve got this, you don’t have to worry.” Children are much more likely to feel safe and secure when they understand that their parents are in charge.

The Risks of Permissive Parenting

The real danger of constantly giving children control in every situation lies in the permissive parenting style. This style is often characterized by a high level of responsiveness to a child’s emotional needs but with little to no control over their behaviors. Parents using this style avoid confrontation and limit boundaries, often because they want to avoid upsetting their children.

While this parenting style may seem nurturing on the surface, it can lead to negative long-term consequences. Studies have found links between permissive parenting and increased anxiety, lower academic achievement, and issues with impulse control. Children raised in permissive households may struggle with responsibility, have trouble regulating their own behavior, and experience more emotional distress.

In fact, research suggests that permissive parenting can actually increase the likelihood of anxiety in children, particularly preschoolers. Children raised with permissive parents may also exhibit more signs of impulsivity, aggression, and lack of personal responsibility. This is because they’ve never been taught to manage their emotions or make decisions within a structured environment. The absence of boundaries leaves them ill-prepared to cope with the challenges of growing up.

The Power of Boundaries

At the end of the day, boundaries are essential for your child’s emotional well-being and development. While it may feel like you’re being “mean” in the moment, the truth is that your child needs you to be the stable adult who can help them navigate their big feelings. Children don’t always know what they need when they’re overwhelmed, but you do. Setting clear limits helps them feel safe, even when they’re upset.

Remember, as a parent, you’re the one who holds the map. Your child is still learning how to read it, and sometimes, they need you to take the lead. By trusting your authority and setting appropriate boundaries, you’re not only making their lives easier in the moment but also helping them build the emotional resilience they’ll need as they grow.

Sources:

Kadoglou, M., Tziaka, E., Samakouri, M., & Serdari, A. (2024). Preschoolers and anxiety: The effect of parental characteristics. Journal of child and adolescent psychiatric nursing: official publication of the Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nurses, Inc, 37(1), e12445. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcap.12445