Gentle Parenting Missteps: Avoiding the Trap of Permissiveness
Understanding Gentle Parenting: What It Is (and What It Is Not)
If you’ve ever felt conflicted about how to balance empathy and discipline as a parent, you’re not alone. With the rise of gentle parenting, many families are striving to foster deep connections with their children while avoiding punitive measures. However, there’s a fine line between gentle parenting and permissive parenting—a line that, when blurred, can unintentionally do more harm than good. Let’s unpack what gentle parenting truly means, what it does not mean, and how to approach it in a way that supports your child’s growth and resilience.
Let’s Break Down Gentle Parenting
At its core, gentle parenting emphasizes empathy, respect, and clear communication. It’s about setting firm, consistent, compassionate boundaries while recognizing and validating your child’s emotions. However, gentle parenting is often misunderstood as allowing children to do as they please or not feel “bad” emotions. This misinterpretation resembles permissive parenting rather than a healthy, structured approach.
Key differences between gentle and permissive parenting:
Boundary enforcement: Gentle parenting includes setting and enforcing clear boundaries while being (appropriately) responsive to the child’s emotions. Permissive parenting often avoids enforcing boundaries, leading to inconsistency and a lack of structure.
Focus on emotions: Gentle parenting prioritizes emotional validation and teaching emotional regulation. Permissive parenting may fail to address or guide emotional responses effectively, instead allowing the child to take the wheel completely.
Child autonomy: Gentle parenting fosters autonomy through age-appropriate choices within limits. Permissive parenting often allows unchecked decision-making, which can hinder self-regulation. This includes parents initially setting boundaries, that children are allowed to break after tantrums or misbehavior.
Examples in the context of hitting:
Gentle parenting:
Explains that the feeling is valid, but the unsafe/unkind behavior is not. “It is okay to feel mad, it is NOT okay to hit”
Boundary of not allowing the child to engage in said behavior is set. “I will not let you hit me/siblings. If you choose to hit again I will have to stop you.”
Parent offers alternatives or redirection. “We can go get some fresh air or take some deep breaths. Afterwards we will talk about your feelings” (Do not try to discuss big feelings in the middle of a tantrum)
If unsafe/unkind behavior continues after a boundary is set, parent follows through with reinforcement or in the case of unsafe behavior, a physical boundary. “Since you chose to hit again I am going to step into a different room/hold your hands until you calm down”
Permissive parenting:
Parent explains that the feeling is valid and sets a boundary “It is okay to be upset, but hitting makes me sad/hurts”
Child chooses to break the boundary and the parent does not step in to reinforce the boundary “Please stop, that hurts, please stop, I said stop. If you keep hitting you get no candy. Please stop, okay now you’re in big trouble!”
Parent doesn’t put their foot down until behavior has escalated beyond emotional regulation and no lesson is taught and empty threats are made because now the parent is dysregulated as well. Negatively impacting emotional connection and feelings of safety.
The Fine Line Between Helpfulness and Harm
Gentle parenting can be transformative, but when implemented incorrectly (permissive), it can lead to unintended consequences.
What gentle parenting is not:
It’s not solving all your child’s problems. Children need opportunities to face challenges, feel discomfort, and work through their emotions. Fixing everything for them can stifle resilience and problem-solving skills.
It’s not avoiding tears or discomfort at all costs. Feeling frustration, boredom, or even sadness teaches children how to manage difficult emotions and develop coping mechanisms.
It’s not about the parent being passive. Gentle parenting requires active engagement, consistent boundary-setting, and emotional regulation by the parent.
The Psychology Behind Gentle Parenting
Effective gentle parenting starts with you. Regulating your own emotions allows you to model healthy emotional responses for your child. Research shows that children thrive under authoritative parenting styles, which combine warmth and structure. Gentle parenting aligns with this evidence when boundaries are clear and consistently enforced.
Why boundaries matter:
Boundaries create a sense of safety for children. Knowing what to expect and what is acceptable helps them feel secure and teaches them self-discipline. Without boundaries, children may struggle to navigate social norms, manage emotions, or develop independence. Children become stressed and scared when they feel like their parent is not in charge.
The disservice of "fixing everything":
When parents shield their children from every inconvenience, they inadvertently rob them of the chance to grow. Allowing a child to cry, be bored, or face a challenge helps them build resilience and emotional regulation skills—qualities they’ll need throughout their lives.
Key Strategies for Practicing Gentle Parenting
Set clear and consistent boundaries: Be firm but empathetic. Children need to know the “why” behind your rules and see that you’ll uphold them calmly.
Validate emotions without removing all discomfort: Let your child know their feelings are valid, but don’t rush to solve every issue. Acknowledge their frustration and guide them toward solutions instead.
Encourage emotional regulation: Teach your child how to identify and manage their emotions. For example, provide tools like deep breathing or sensory activities to help them self-soothe.
Foster independence: Offer choices within limits to empower your child. For instance, ask if they’d like to brush their teeth before or after getting into pajamas.
Take care of yourself: Parenting is demanding, especially when striving for emotional attunement. Prioritize self-care to stay patient and present.
Key Takeaways
Gentle parenting is about balance. It’s the harmony of empathy and boundaries, connection and independence, support and resilience. By understanding what gentle parenting is and isn’t, you can create a nurturing environment that fosters emotional growth and well-being for your child—without crossing into permissiveness.
Remember, parenting is a journey, not a destination. Perfection isn’t the goal, but intentionality and consistency are. By regulating your own emotions and providing structure with compassion, you’re setting your child up for a lifetime of emotional health and self-confidence.
Sources:
Wyness, M. G. (1997). Parental Responsibilities, Social Policy and the Maintenance of Boundaries. The Sociological Review, 45(2), 304-324. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-954X.00066
Davidson, A., & Pezalla, A. (2024, September 24). “trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. Academia.edu. https://www.academia.edu/124105388/_Trying_to_remain_calm_but_I_do_reach_my_limit_sometimes_An_exploration_of_the_meaning_of_gentle_parenting
Briggs, R. (2024). Gentle parenting doesn’t mean permissive parenting. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/on-babies/202405/gentle-parenting-doesnt-mean-permissive-parenting =
