Teaching Patience: How Delaying Gratification Builds Emotional Resilience in Kids

The Importance of Delaying Gratification: Helping Kids Build Emotional Regulation Skills

As parents and caregivers, we’ve all seen it…the desperate begging for just one more piece of candy, the dramatic tantrums when it's time to turn off the TV, or the frustration when it’s not quite time for dessert. It can be really hard to watch your child struggle with waiting, and it can feel tempting to just give in to avoid the meltdown. But teaching your child how to delay gratification—the ability to wait for something, rather than giving in to immediate desires—is one of the most important skills you can help them develop. Research shows that children who are able to manage their impulses and wait for something they really want, rather than giving in to the first temptation, tend to have better emotional regulation, greater success in school, and stronger coping skills later in life.

What Is Delay of Gratification?

Delay of gratification is simply the ability to resist an immediate reward in favor of a larger or more desirable one later. For example, when giving children an allowance and they choose to save up for something big vs spending on cheap immediate rewards. While this may sound simple, it’s actually a key part of emotional regulation, as it requires children to manage their emotions, like frustration and impatience, in the moment. And just like adults who sometimes have to wait for things (think of the patience required to save for a big purchase or wait for a vacation), kids need practice learning how to wait too.

Why Delaying Gratification Matters for Emotional Regulation

Helping your child learn to delay gratification isn’t just about teaching them patience, it’s about teaching them how to manage emotions like frustration, impatience, and disappointment. These skills aren’t just important for waiting for a treat; they play a huge role in how kids cope with bigger challenges later in life. In fact, studies have shown that children who were able to delay gratification as young kids tended to have better life outcomes, such as higher academic performance, lower BMI, and better stress management skills. By practicing small moments of self-control, like waiting for a snack or a turn with a toy, kids build up the emotional resilience they’ll need as they face bigger life challenges.

How Can Parents Help Children Build the Skill of Delayed Gratification?

1. Start with Small, Achievable Delays
   Just like you can’t expect a child to be patient for hours right away, it’s important to start small. Begin by asking your child to wait for short periods, like a few minutes before they get a snack or a toy. Gradually increase the time as they get better at waiting. Small steps make the process less overwhelming, and give your child a chance to practice emotional regulation in manageable bursts.

2. Use Distraction Techniques
   One thing that helps kids wait is distraction. If they’re having trouble waiting for something, help them take their mind off the urge by offering another activity. For example, if they’re waiting for a snack after dinner, suggest they color or play with a toy while they wait. In the famous marshmallow study, children who distracted themselves—by singing or playing—were more successful in waiting. You can guide your child to find ways to distract themselves and focus on something other than the immediate reward.

3. Praise Emotional Control
   Instead of just rewarding them for waiting, make sure to praise their effort to stay calm and patient. For example, if your child is able to wait a few minutes for a snack, praise them by saying, “I’m really proud of how patient you were.” This reinforces the idea that emotional control is valuable, and helps them understand that managing their emotions is just as important as getting what they want.

4. Make Waiting Part of the Routine
   Kids thrive on routine, so try to build moments of waiting into your daily schedule. Whether it’s waiting for the microwave to finish, or waiting for their turn with a toy, small moments of delayed gratification throughout the day can help them practice this skill regularly. The more they practice, the better they’ll get at managing those feelings of impatience and frustration.

5. Model Delayed Gratification Yourself
   Children learn a lot by observing their parents. If they see you practicing delayed gratification—whether it’s waiting for a reward or resisting a temptation—they’ll be more likely to do the same. For example, if you’re trying to save up for something special, talk to your child about the process and how you’re waiting for the reward. This models patience and helps them understand why waiting is valuable.

Key Takeaways for Parents

Learning to delay gratification is a critical part of emotional regulation. Children who can resist immediate rewards and wait for something better are better equipped to manage frustration, disappointment, and stress—skills that will serve them well throughout their lives. By offering small opportunities for them to practice waiting, praising their efforts to manage their emotions, and modeling patience yourself, you can help your child build this essential skill. Not only will they be more emotionally resilient, but they’ll also set themselves up for future success, both academically and personally.

References

Mischel, W., Shoda, Y., & Rodriguez, M. L. (1989). Delay of gratification in children. Science, 244(4907), 933-938